Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Struggling to wake up

I was at a conference in a hotel. I'd over-slept and was struggling to wake up. I kept slipping back into a dream. I knew I was late for the day's events but I couldn't get myself up and ready. After I eventually got out of bed I couldn't find my toiletries bag and then in the bathroom I wasn't able to close the door. I kept trying to prepare for the day but wasn't able to, it was all too much effort, I couldn't get things to work and I just wanted to go back to sleep.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

The old house

I went back to the old house. I hope for the last time. It was a mess. I spent some time picking things up, looking at them, dropping them again. Outside I remarked to someone that I wished it could all just be got rid of, there was nothing there of any use to me any more.  

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

The bar

I heard a rumour that David Bowie was going to play at a local bar so I went down there, thinking that, even though it was unlikely, at least it would be easy to get home again. I had a couple of drinks and then he did indeed appear but performed just two songs, which was disappointing. I decided to rest before going home and found a quilt behind the bar to curl up under. On waking I found that there was a rather sleepily affectionate androgynous stranger also there. I picked up my keys and bag from the bar intending to go home.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

A journey

I'm in a car being driven by an older man. When we arrive at our destination it becomes clear that he is confused, sometimes wandering aimlessly and sometimes stopping and staring off into space. Someone shows us photographs and in them I recognise myself but I'm much younger, in my twenties, sitting in an up-market looking restaurant, with a hairstyle I hardly recall. I look confident and a little detached. I look through the photographs with the man, but neither of us make any comment on them. We go out walking and he wants to go onto the beach for the cool breeze but I want to go home, it's starting to get dark. I try to persuade him that it's time to go but I can't make him understand. Later, on the journey home, he stops the car, no longer sure how to continue. I find myself walking home and I think that it will give me the chance to post a parcel, a gift I've been meaning to send, but then I realise I don't have it with me, I must have left it somewhere. The overall feel of the dream is of confusion, loss, disjointedness.

Sunday, 1 January 2017


There are a group of us, in some kind of vehicle. A man joins us who seems rather disturbed and unpredictable. We don't do anything to antagonise him but I whisper to one of the others that I will not allow the man to come home with us. There is a sense of having drawn a line, set a boundary.

Monday, 12 December 2016

Cozy room

A strange mood to this, very difficult to describe. I'm in a warm, cozy room with someone in whose company I feel completely relaxed. There are no expectations. He reminds me of J. We are living like animals or children, in the moment, doing whatever feels right. We are also in various states of dress or undress without any self-consciousness at all. Sometimes we snuggle together comfortably, sometimes we leave the room and return. The comfortable mood is always there in the room to come back to. At the end there is a strange but pleasant sensation as he explores my face with his mouth as a very small child or animal might do.

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Child ignored

There was a man and a woman on the balcony outside and they were wearing bath towels wrapped around them. I was inside and all I had was a small hand-towel, but I remember thinking it was enough because I was only a small child.

Then they moved further down - it was a long balcony across several rooms - and I went out and walked towards them. The woman would not look at me and as I came closer she got up and moved inside. The man didn't say anything but he made eye contact and acknowledged me.

Monday, 8 August 2016


In the doctor's office with a doctor who is trying to make a diagnosis. He is doing this without requiring me to remove any of my clothing. I get the impression he believes it would not be respectful to do that. Instead he opens my shirt collar a little and examines the small area revealed. When he has finished he very respectfully kisses my cheek and I realise it is B. (B is a very considerate and helpful friend.)

Sunday, 10 July 2016

Green lion

At the edge of sleep I deliberately called up the image of the borderland between sleeping/waking, conscious/unconscious. I followed the fence between them for a while, noticing how similar both sides appeared, although there was the occasional mirage-like structure in the distance on the far side.

Then I saw a green lion appear on the other side, it was watching me and began keeping pace with me. I stopped to look closer and felt very attracted to it, it's power and strength were thrilling and captivating. I had an urge to cross the fence and embrace it. At the same time I was aware that it was a lion, a predator, and it could easily do me harm.

Saturday, 25 June 2016


I'm called aside by a woman who seems to be my boss. She tells me she's very disappointed with my attitude, that she never saw such an unacceptable performance. As she is talking to me I realise that my mind is not on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm distracted and not interested in what she's saying. I'm surprised at how little I care about the criticism which would once have been crushing.


A sense of being trapped in a no-win situation. I know the person I'm waiting for is unstable, possibly dangerous, and I will never feel comfortable around him. I also know that he would not be willing to let me leave the relationship and that anyone who helped me leave would be in danger. I consider trying to disappear, but know I would be pursued and never be able to feel at ease. I keep thinking through all the options and can't find any solution.  

Friday, 22 April 2016

Down and up again

Walking down a broad staircase into water and on the other side of the water is a similar staircase that goes up.

Monday, 21 March 2016

Falling facade

Most of the building had been demolished but the front wall was still standing. I saw a woman drive a large yellow digger towards it, colliding with it with some force. The upper part of the facade swayed and appeared about to fall. I called out to the woman to get away from it before it fell.

Monday, 7 March 2016

Another bus

I get on a bus and take a seat next to someone I know. I'm unsure where the bus is going so I ask him. He avoids giving a direct answer

Friday, 19 February 2016

A drowned woman

There was a bathtub beside me. As I dipped my hand in and stirred the surface I saw an older woman, eyes closed, beneath the water.

Friday, 1 January 2016

A strange mix of disjointed communication and journeys

A woman transforms herself into a kitten-like white animal. I try to talk to her but in that form she reacts as an animal would, backing away when I move towards her. I'm relaxing beside a group talking at a table and at a certain point I comment that the conversation is interesting. It breaks the flow and I wish I hadn't commented. I'm boarding a train but my female companion is not with me. I'm unsure if I'm on the right train or where I'm going but it's filling up with people and I take a seat. I make a kind of nest with clothes and bags so I can hide away and rest. Then I'm getting a bus and I notice the route will take us past an exciting place and I'm looking forward to seeing it, although I don't know the ultimate destination. I've had a little to drink, just enough to feel warm and happy and I know that will make the experience more fun.

New Year's Dream

Tuesday, 27 October 2015


"We can keep this disengaged and detached if you want, but you know I don't." he said, and I felt irresistibly drawn to turn and reach for him. As we embraced I felt his warmth and strength. Even so, I was still holding something back.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Broken glass vase

I had broken a large glass vase and considered not mentioning it. The vase was dusty and I doubted if it would be missed. Then I noticed pieces of glass scattered around and knew I had to mention it to avoid anyone injuring themselves .

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Square or round

I seem to be attempting to summon up a power but in fact I am trying to hold it back and control it. It's like an energy or heat in my hands and the strength of it is alarming. Someone is asking me to use it to make the square pattern on a large wall hanging round. I decide to stop holding back the energy and try. It seems to work, although I sense that I have simply made clear that the shape is an illusion and it can appear square or round depending on your perception.

Thursday, 6 August 2015


Only fragments lately. One image that lingers is of small cuts on my fingers. They're very small but I can't see how they're ever going to heal as whenever I move my hand they open.

Friday, 3 July 2015

A net of blood

A fragmentary image. I feel a discomfort in my right ear and am surprised to see a network of strands of dried blood fall from it.

Friday, 20 February 2015


A fragment in which a homeless man follows me and pleads with me to take him home and feed him. I respond that I can't, I just can't do that, I don't have room.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015


I was in a large building and saw from a window that there was a fire in the equally large building opposite. It spread rapidly until the whole length was engulfed. There was a sense of foreboding, as if this was the start of events that would change everything. I saw someone I knew and we agreed that we should leave quickly. I went to collect some personal belongings and when I returned he had gone. I found that somehow I had picked up two pairs of gloves and was annoyed at myself for the duplication but decided they might be useful and put them in my pockets.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Back to front

I'm at the back of a large building, outside the main structure moving via ledges and fire-escapes. It's dark and I'm trying to find a way down. I can travel a short way but keep coming up against obstacles. I see a man ahead of me who moves quickly down a certain route and I try to follow but find it too steep and insecure to continue. I feel a sense of vertigo when I try to see where he went and I have to wait a while to get back the nerve to move and try to find a different way. Eventually I find a way to get inside the building and I'm greeted by two people who seem familiar but they speak to me in Chinese. I don't understand what they're saying but it seems encouraging. I go out of the front of the building which appears, from this view, to be some kind of large railway station. The road outside slopes down.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Intimacy and intimidation

I wake up on what appears to be a summer day. I am surprised to find that I am with someone who I regard as thoughtful, serious and rather critical. We are lying in the open, on a hillside and dressed lightly. Our legs are entangled but I am facing away. I feel apprehensive at finding myself in such a casually intimate situation with someone I feel intimidated by. I wonder if I should move but I am physically comfortable and still lazy from sleep. I glance back and find he has an amused expression on his face.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Papers in the attic

We were exploring a house. In the lead was an older woman and several of us were following. She led the way upstairs and then up a further, smaller flight to what appeared to be an attic storage area. Everything was very neatly organised in rows of open boxes. In the boxes were piles of papers,books and journals, To get on further we had to clamber over the boxes. The woman in the lead did this easily but those of us following tended to slip awkwardly on the stacks of papers, picking our way slowly and carefully. I was concentrating on each step and couldn't see where she was leading us but I thought I might have caught a glimpse of further stairs.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014


I'm in the passenger cabin of a plane operating a lever to control the speed. Someone is sitting to the left and slightly behind me telling me how to use it. I try pulling the lever to slow the speed as he says but feel no change. Then I pull harder and find it does seem to slow us down. I ask him if its ok to keep doing this, worried that I might do something dangerous. He replies with a vague "Hm?" which worries me more. Then I see through the window another plane so close I can see the paintwork and the rivets in the fuselage. I can hear the sound of it's engines, a steady roar. It's far too close and I brace myself, knowing we're going to crash, but the crash doesn't come.

Friday, 20 June 2014

Honest male companion

Travelling with a male companion. He comments that he will have lots of sexual opportunity where we are going, looking rather pleased with himself. I don't say anything but realise I must have shown disapproval or disgust as he looks offended and upset. He says that he was only being honest. I suggest that perhaps it would be better if he went on alone. He doesn't say anything but seems to be waiting for me to decide.

Monday, 9 June 2014


It was evening and I had plans to catch a flight the next day. I felt unprepared and, looking around, realised I'd got my main baggage but had left my hand-baggage in my flat. I told the woman I was with and she arranged for us to go and get it. When I arrived I found several of his* shirts scattered around and was annoyed that I'd have to fold them and find room to pack them as well.

*I just thought of them as 'his', without thinking of any specific identity.

Saturday, 22 February 2014


A nurse is following me. She has given me some kind of transfusion but I've become impatient and walked away from it. She seems unhappy with me, as if I'm not taking it seriously enough. I know that I might weaken without it but I don't think that really matters very much. She finds a way to attach a small device to my arm so that it can continue to work while I walk around.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014


There's a dream I came here to look for that I can't find. I'm sure it happened within the timescale of this journal but it's not here. So either I'm mistaken about when I had it or, for some reason, I never actually wrote about it. Which is odd because it is very clear and also unusually pleasant. I'll write it now but I have no idea where it should appear chronologically.

I'm swimming in the sea with much more confidence than I would in reality. I feel in my element, able to move easily and gracefully. I spend some time twisting and turning slowly on the surface, floating for a while on my back before each rotation. I like the alternation of air and water on my skin, enjoying the contrast of warmth and coolness. I'm aware of the power of the sea but also the support and sense of buoyancy it gives. I want to delay the time when I have to return to dry land.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

The game

We're playing a game of some kind and I'm unsure of the implications if I make a certain move. I ask my opponent to explain the rules again and he does but in a quick, impatient way that I can't follow. I suspect that he knows how hard I find this kind of thing and I get angry. I can't see any future for us. Then something odd happens. I'm suddenly aware of a much deeper connection that we have that makes our difficulties in communicating seem unimportant. We don't speak about it but both acknowledge it. There's a feeling of great relief.

A while later we are on a wide balcony with a long uninterrupted view. The windows of the other rooms in the building suggest they are much smaller and more restricted than ours.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

House 2

I'm beginning to realise I may have made a mistake in buying a house. One of the upper rooms has polystyrene ceiling tiles that have been painted over in a dark shade of blue. I know they'll have to be removed. It will be a messy unpleasant job. I try to convince myself that at least the structure is sound. Then I go into a room and see that  part of the side wall is missing. Through the gap I can see that the house next door is an empty shell.

House 1

I've bought a large house and am worried that I won't be able to keep it secure. It has so many windows and doors. Some girls are running from room to room playfully. They want me to join them but I don't feel playful. I pull a curtain back just a little and look out. There's a large open grassy area outside and some houses on the far side. The houses look poorly built and cramped close together. I'm not sure which is the front door to the house. I want to find it and check the locks.

Sunday, 26 January 2014


I need to get to the airport so I hop on a plane that's taxiing that way down the road. I don't have a seat reserved but most people are milling about in the aisle so I sit down in order to be out of the way.

Saturday, 25 January 2014


At an airport. A huge building. Lots of light. Very few signs.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Birth and death

I woke up from the dream with the sense of having to keep very still. Too much movement would have dire, possibly fatal, consequences. Giving birth, for example, would certainly be too much movement, but I wasn't sure quite how much would be safe and so I was keeping as still as possible.

Sunday, 10 November 2013


Sometimes I don't record a dream immediately. Particularly if it has a very negative feel to it. Sometimes I'd rather forget. But if it's one of a recurring theme I can't always forget easily.

I hear someone say I hope they're enjoying their flight up there, referring to a plane that's passing 35,000 feet overhead. I look up out of a window and see a plane much lower, making awkward sudden changes of direction. It appears to be out of control. It might be heading my way but there's nothing I can do. Then it screeches close by and crashes into a local landmark building. Pieces of stone fly in all directions.

In all my flying dreams there's never been a crash before.

Thursday, 15 August 2013


Disappointed to find that someone I trusted had broken something in my home, there are fragments of glass on the floor and drops of water. Pulling back a curtain I find a large pane of glass in the window is shattered.

Friday, 12 July 2013

House on the coast

We are on the coast, at a ferry dock. Some boys are fooling around swinging from the ropes. One of the crew shouts at them to get down. The ferry departs. We leave too, travelling along the coast at speed in a vehicle like a cross between a car and a rocket. We arrive by crashing into the side wall of the house. The house is small but nicely decorated in pale colours and light wood. After a while I become angry with my travelling partner. I shout at him for making a mess, casting aside used cups, plates, clothes and other things. He says someone else will deal with it. I try to extricate my things from the mess, in particular I pull a white top out from a tangle of clothes.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Missing the bus

At a bus station I hear a driver say that he is going to be driving a new bus the next day.

The next day I am at the bus station again. The journey I am planning to take is long but buses seem to leave quite regularly to my destination so I don't see any urgency. I let two go. The next one is the new bus with the driver I saw the day before. I'm in line to get on board but I don't have my fare ready so I stand aside to let others board. The bus fills up and leaves.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Value 2

I was given a gift by someone I didn't much like. I turned the box over and noticed that the price tag had been left on it. It was much more expensive than I had expected.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013


I'd stolen something of poor quality and low value and was showing it off in an ironic sort of way. A woman looked at it enviously. I was shocked to see that she seriously wanted it.

Monday, 14 January 2013


The dream left me with just a single image: an anchor.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

The policeman and the poet

A house on two levels. On the ground floor level - a policeman. On the upper level - a poet. They appear to be working together in some obscure way. They don't speak but communicate with each other by glances, raising an eyebrow, smiling. I'm looking at them from a short distance away, across the street. I find them both very attractive and admirable. The policeman is outward looking, assertive, strong, protective. The poet more reserved, reclusive, cerebral, creative.

This dream seems to me to be a significant one.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Grand hotel

I was in a car. B was driving. He was driving confidently on a busy road with lots of intersections. Even so he took a wrong turn. I could tell, but didn't say. We ended up in front of a grand hotel. I realised that I was wearing just a nightdress and my feet were bare. I wondered how I could go into the hotel so inadequately dressed. Then I decided that I should just walk in as if I was completely confident.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Japanese bus

Not a bus in Japan but a Japanese themed bus. Boarding behind a Japanese woman who hesitates for a moment and then takes the seat I thought was reserved for me. I don't challenge her and move further back.

Friday, 4 May 2012


A girl on crutches leading the way, not competitively but with enthusiasm, encouraging the others.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

A house at night

Coming out of a house at night, against the advice of a woman who stays inside. The woman in the house looks to an older woman who says nothing but watches from a window. Met by a man who comes out of another house and agreeing to go and spend some time talking with him. He seems to be putting himself in a position of taking responsibility or care. After a while leaving his house. The woman appears distressed but the older woman again just watches. The man follows out of the house. It's still dark but birds are beginning to sing.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Second sun

An explosion in the sky, growing until it appeared to be a second sun. Those around not looking that way, not paying attention. Bracing for the impact that would, eventually come as a result.