Sunday, 3 March 2019

The devil in the library

There was a pursuit going on through a large library, although in the beginning it was confused and unclear who or what was being pursued. We couldn't get a clear look at it as it hid in shadows and scurried from one bolthole to another. As we moved up through the building some of us attempted to name or describe it, speculating on how it might disguise itself in order to ambush or evade us. It was finally cornered on the top floor and we moved in and surrounded it. I was unsure at this point what we would do next, there didn't seem to be any inclination to harm it, only to examine it and keep it under control. At this point I became aware that it was a devil type thing, something with a strong negative energy to it. As it was recognised and observed by us all it appeared to lose strength and power and to be more afraid than threatening. Some of us joined hands to keep it enclosed but it soon became clear that it was not strong enough to pose a danger to us.

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

A white world

White buildings with tall elegant pillars and large pools of clear water. I swim across one of the pools which is a perfect temperature. In every direction all is light, airy and open, every surface is unblemished. I encounter some older women and remark that the last time I was here everything was much more basic. They smile and I realise that must have been a very long time ago.

Saturday, 27 October 2018

Spike's house

I was visiting the home of Spike Milligan. It was a marvellous place, with many spacious rooms full of books and comfortable, if rather worn, furniture. He was there in one of the rooms, but he was old and tired and did not move from the chair he was tucked up in, with a blanket over his legs. It made me sad to see him that way. I went upstairs and found there was a more modern looking room with a gift-shop. It was selling not books but paper and pens and small decorative items. There were very tiny notebooks and sets of tiny writing paper and envelopes, the kind I remember reading about him writing in for his children as messages from the fairies. 

Friday, 26 October 2018

New job

I was at a gathering with people who were new to me. I had just accepted a job in some kind of religious role. It involved reading and writing, helping people know how to behave and I remember reflecting at one point that this would also help them to 'pay their taxes'. There was a woman who kept trying to explain to me that the man in charge, a vicar or priest figure, was not to be trusted. At one point I was talking with him about the job and I had just about come to the point of admitting to him that I did not belong to any church community at all when our conversation was interrupted.

Monday, 8 October 2018

Untidy bedroom

I was in a room, a bedroom, which was very untidy and I felt irritated by that and wanted to clean it up, but it wasn't mine. When I thought no one was looking I cleaned up an area but I was afraid I might throw away something useful, so I stopped. Someone was sitting up in the bed and I had an impression of someone behind him I couldn't see clearly. All around the bed were stacks of dusty items. The room was decorated in a kind of boho or hippy style with bright coloured rugs and throws. I was in a wheelchair, although that didn't seem to be of any importance, except that parts of it got detached and I was afraid they might get lost among all the untidy piles of stuff. At one point I embraced the person sitting in the bed and when I did that my irritation about the untidiness eased, it didn't seem to matter so much. At another point I left the bedroom and found that the rest of the house was decorated in the same style but was much cleaner and tidier. Finally I left the house and got lost trying to navigate the roads in my chair. I wanted to get back to the house.

Thursday, 4 October 2018


I was in a plane, coming in to land. I was expecting a hard landing, anticipating the impact but there was none. I realised we were on the ground while I was still braced. We then transferred to a bus for the onward journey.

Friday, 28 September 2018

A new flat

I was in the process of moving in to a new flat, and had to clear out some tools and pieces of machinery that had been left there. After I'd done that I slept for a while and when I woke up I went to the other end of the flat and found two women were there on camp beds. They also had a red, plush sofa which was not at all to my taste. I hoped they would clear it out so I could bring my things in. One of them opened a door onto a kind of walk in closet that was a huge unexpected interior space. I knew I'd have to think carefully about how to make use of it. 

Saturday, 11 August 2018

On the couch

I'm in a house that I seem to know my way around. There are other people, it appears to be a family group, sitting on chairs and couches, but I can see only one of them - an older man - clearly. I am standing in an area off to one side, tidying things up in an unhurried way. I have a sense of not quite belonging or being unsure of my status in the group. Eventually there is nothing left to do and I go to sit down. There is only one place left, on a couch next to the man I can see clearly, so I sit there. The couch is small and when I sit my leg is resting against his. I'm unsure how this will be regarded but the only alternative would be to get up again, so I stay where I am. He turns towards me and in a kind of slow motion draws me in to an embrace. As he does this the other people in the room become even less clear to me.   

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Grenade games

I'm out in a field wearing military uniform and a hard hat. I'm handed a long gun of some kind. I realise from watching others that I have to use it to swing at a grenade that's thrown my way to try to get it away from myself. I know that at some point when it's hit it will explode. During the dream it does not.

Monday, 18 June 2018

In the station

I'm at a major train terminal, in a large hallway full of people. One of them walks from the platform to a doorway and then appears back on the platform, he does this over and over again. All the people have half-blank, half-horrified expressions as they go through a short sequence of actions repeatedly, never getting out of the station. I get the feeling that these are people whose options have narrowed down to such an extent that they have hardly any left at all, and that they are becoming aware of it. I have an awful sense that such a narrowing of options is inescapable but then I realise that there is nothing stopping the people leaving the station, if they chose they could just walk out.

Monday, 28 May 2018

The game 2

We are travelling through a long tunnel or tube like place which reminds me of a spaceship or possibly a high-tech underground structure of some kind. There are a series of rooms or caverns and the walls are lined with screens. The people are strangely dressed and seem to be engaged mainly in trying to impress each other with their style. My male companion is in a rather irritable mood. At one point we eat a meal and he tells me how annoying it is when the servers try to clear up before he's finished, which a male server then does, trying, jokingly, to take a plate from the table. At certain points I use the screens to play a kind of game. This seems to have something to do with my companion, but I'm not sure what the rules are and I have to intuitively work out what each step towards success will be. Eventually we arrive at the last room and I comment that it's getting uncomfortably hot and maybe it's time to go. I get the feeling it will be very cold outside. Someone responds that we don't have to go and also offers a thin blanket which I am unimpressed by. I use one of the screens and it brings up a simple map of the final stage that I can follow. At this point I notice that I'm not wearing a top but I am unconcerned by that and work through the stages with a kind of intuitive confidence even though I am still not aware of the final goal.     

Thursday, 26 April 2018

A white garment

I'm listening to a woman who is speaking quietly and at the same time I'm touching a white garment which I think belongs to her. It's extremely soft and I'm thinking about how comfortable it would be to wear. I notice that there are other people waiting to speak to me and I nod to the woman who is speaking to let her know it is time to reach a conclusion and she acknowledges this.

Monday, 23 April 2018

Concrete protest

A series of images of Japanese people, speaking Japanese (which I did not understand) loudly as if protesting something they felt strongly about, then immersing themselves, face down, in wet concrete.

Sunday, 8 April 2018

An accident

There'd been an accident, a car had crashed into a house. I think I'd been a passenger in the car. Maybe I'd been thrown clear somehow. The car was embedded in a wall that had collapsed onto it and there was no sign of the driver. The house was large with many comfortably furnished rooms and with a calm atmosphere. It seemed to be some kind of educational establishment, although quite informal. People gathered in small groups and talked quietly. The crash didn't seem to have attracted any attention and I got the feeling there was nothing to be done about it.

Later I found I was wearing a garment that was a silvery colour and somehow knew that it was made out of the same material as the stars.

Thursday, 8 March 2018

Letting people in

I was in an apartment, much like the place where I live now, with an older woman. I was getting annoyed with her because she kept letting people in. Anyone who wanted to come in she let in  At one point she opened the balcony doors and there were people climbing over the rail and coming in. They were talking and laughing and I was finding it hard to concentrate. Later when I was trying to sleep she allowed two people dressed in elaborate costumes to occupy one side of the bed.

Sunday, 7 January 2018

A hotel and a new cozy house

I'm not sure if these were two separate dreams or two parts of one. Arriving at a hotel with a male friend we went to his room first which was a standard pleasant hotel room. I expected mine to be the same but when I went to find it I discovered it was not just a room but a suite with enormous wooden double doors and luxurious furnishings including a huge bed. None of the staff spoke to me but they acknowledged me and accepted my right to be there.

The house was of an unusual design, round and sunken slightly into the ground with windows facing inward overlooking a central courtyard that was designed to receive the maximum amount of natural light. I was in one of the furthest rooms from the entrance with my male friend and we were watching the progress of a group of visitors from a window with some amusement. They were commenting that you could use the room that was set out as a lounge as an extra bedroom if you wanted to. They also noted that the kitchen was well stocked with preserved fruits and other foods in glass jars. As the visiting group came closer I was measuring a cupboard and joking with my friend about how much space we would need to hide in. He commented on the fact that one of the visiting group was his wife.

Monday, 25 December 2017

The old house again

In the old house again, with an old man, packing things up. For once it was easy, most things were already packed neatly away. I was putting several pillows into a large bag. There was a sense of completion.

Bleak and hopeless fragments

I've had a few dreams I've avoided describing. Some I can still remember parts of, one I made deliberate efforts to not remember. In one dream two young princes were killed, the mood was bleak. In another one person was attacking another by stabbing him with tiny pieces of wood pulled off the door-frame of the small room they were in. The wounds were superficial but painful. The one who was being attacked had a look of shock and horror. All I have left of the one I made an effort to forget is a mood of flat hopelessness.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Struggling to wake up

I was at a conference in a hotel. I'd over-slept and was struggling to wake up. I kept slipping back into a dream. I knew I was late for the day's events but I couldn't get myself up and ready. After I eventually got out of bed I couldn't find my toiletries bag and then in the bathroom I wasn't able to close the door. I kept trying to prepare for the day but wasn't able to, it was all too much effort, I couldn't get things to work and I just wanted to go back to sleep.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

The old house

I went back to the old house. I hope for the last time. It was a mess. I spent some time picking things up, looking at them, dropping them again. Outside I remarked to someone that I wished it could all just be got rid of, there was nothing there of any use to me any more.  

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

The bar

I heard a rumour that David Bowie was going to play at a local bar so I went down there, thinking that, even though it was unlikely, at least it would be easy to get home again. I had a couple of drinks and then he did indeed appear but performed just two songs, which was disappointing. I decided to rest before going home and found a quilt behind the bar to curl up under. On waking I found that there was a rather sleepily affectionate androgynous stranger also there. I picked up my keys and bag from the bar intending to go home.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

A journey

I'm in a car being driven by an older man. When we arrive at our destination it becomes clear that he is confused, sometimes wandering aimlessly and sometimes stopping and staring off into space. Someone shows us photographs and in them I recognise myself but I'm much younger, in my twenties, sitting in an up-market looking restaurant, with a hairstyle I hardly recall. I look confident and a little detached. I look through the photographs with the man, but neither of us make any comment on them. We go out walking and he wants to go onto the beach for the cool breeze but I want to go home, it's starting to get dark. I try to persuade him that it's time to go but I can't make him understand. Later, on the journey home, he stops the car, no longer sure how to continue. I find myself walking home and I think that it will give me the chance to post a parcel, a gift I've been meaning to send, but then I realise I don't have it with me, I must have left it somewhere. The overall feel of the dream is of confusion, loss, disjointedness.

Sunday, 1 January 2017


There are a group of us, in some kind of vehicle. A man joins us who seems rather disturbed and unpredictable. We don't do anything to antagonise him but I whisper to one of the others that I will not allow the man to come home with us. There is a sense of having drawn a line, set a boundary.

Monday, 12 December 2016

Cozy room

A strange mood to this, very difficult to describe. I'm in a warm, cozy room with someone in whose company I feel completely relaxed. There are no expectations. He reminds me of J. We are living like animals or children, in the moment, doing whatever feels right. We are also in various states of dress or undress without any self-consciousness at all. Sometimes we snuggle together comfortably, sometimes we leave the room and return. The comfortable mood is always there in the room to come back to. At the end there is a strange but pleasant sensation as he explores my face with his mouth as a very small child or animal might do.

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Child ignored

There was a man and a woman on the balcony outside and they were wearing bath towels wrapped around them. I was inside and all I had was a small hand-towel, but I remember thinking it was enough because I was only a small child.

Then they moved further down - it was a long balcony across several rooms - and I went out and walked towards them. The woman would not look at me and as I came closer she got up and moved inside. The man didn't say anything but he made eye contact and acknowledged me.

Monday, 8 August 2016


In the doctor's office with a doctor who is trying to make a diagnosis. He is doing this without requiring me to remove any of my clothing. I get the impression he believes it would not be respectful to do that. Instead he opens my shirt collar a little and examines the small area revealed. When he has finished he very respectfully kisses my cheek and I realise it is B. (B is a very considerate and helpful friend.)

Sunday, 10 July 2016

Green lion

At the edge of sleep I deliberately called up the image of the borderland between sleeping/waking, conscious/unconscious. I followed the fence between them for a while, noticing how similar both sides appeared, although there was the occasional mirage-like structure in the distance on the far side.

Then I saw a green lion appear on the other side, it was watching me and began keeping pace with me. I stopped to look closer and felt very attracted to it, it's power and strength were thrilling and captivating. I had an urge to cross the fence and embrace it. At the same time I was aware that it was a lion, a predator, and it could easily do me harm.

Saturday, 25 June 2016


I'm called aside by a woman who seems to be my boss. She tells me she's very disappointed with my attitude, that she never saw such an unacceptable performance. As she is talking to me I realise that my mind is not on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm distracted and not interested in what she's saying. I'm surprised at how little I care about the criticism which would once have been crushing.


A sense of being trapped in a no-win situation. I know the person I'm waiting for is unstable, possibly dangerous, and I will never feel comfortable around him. I also know that he would not be willing to let me leave the relationship and that anyone who helped me leave would be in danger. I consider trying to disappear, but know I would be pursued and never be able to feel at ease. I keep thinking through all the options and can't find any solution.  

Friday, 22 April 2016

Down and up again

Walking down a broad staircase into water and on the other side of the water is a similar staircase that goes up.

Monday, 21 March 2016

Falling facade

Most of the building had been demolished but the front wall was still standing. I saw a woman drive a large yellow digger towards it, colliding with it with some force. The upper part of the facade swayed and appeared about to fall. I called out to the woman to get away from it before it fell.

Monday, 7 March 2016

Another bus

I get on a bus and take a seat next to someone I know. I'm unsure where the bus is going so I ask him. He avoids giving a direct answer

Friday, 19 February 2016

A drowned woman

There was a bathtub beside me. As I dipped my hand in and stirred the surface I saw an older woman, eyes closed, beneath the water.

Friday, 1 January 2016

A strange mix of disjointed communication and journeys

A woman transforms herself into a kitten-like white animal. I try to talk to her but in that form she reacts as an animal would, backing away when I move towards her. I'm relaxing beside a group talking at a table and at a certain point I comment that the conversation is interesting. It breaks the flow and I wish I hadn't commented. I'm boarding a train but my female companion is not with me. I'm unsure if I'm on the right train or where I'm going but it's filling up with people and I take a seat. I make a kind of nest with clothes and bags so I can hide away and rest. Then I'm getting a bus and I notice the route will take us past an exciting place and I'm looking forward to seeing it, although I don't know the ultimate destination. I've had a little to drink, just enough to feel warm and happy and I know that will make the experience more fun.

New Year's Dream

Tuesday, 27 October 2015


"We can keep this disengaged and detached if you want, but you know I don't." he said, and I felt irresistibly drawn to turn and reach for him. As we embraced I felt his warmth and strength. Even so, I was still holding something back.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Broken glass vase

I had broken a large glass vase and considered not mentioning it. The vase was dusty and I doubted if it would be missed. Then I noticed pieces of glass scattered around and knew I had to mention it to avoid anyone injuring themselves .

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Square or round

I seem to be attempting to summon up a power but in fact I am trying to hold it back and control it. It's like an energy or heat in my hands and the strength of it is alarming. Someone is asking me to use it to make the square pattern on a large wall hanging round. I decide to stop holding back the energy and try. It seems to work, although I sense that I have simply made clear that the shape is an illusion and it can appear square or round depending on your perception.

Thursday, 6 August 2015


Only fragments lately. One image that lingers is of small cuts on my fingers. They're very small but I can't see how they're ever going to heal as whenever I move my hand they open.

Friday, 3 July 2015

A net of blood

A fragmentary image. I feel a discomfort in my right ear and am surprised to see a network of strands of dried blood fall from it.

Friday, 20 February 2015


A fragment in which a homeless man follows me and pleads with me to take him home and feed him. I respond that I can't, I just can't do that, I don't have room.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015


I was in a large building and saw from a window that there was a fire in the equally large building opposite. It spread rapidly until the whole length was engulfed. There was a sense of foreboding, as if this was the start of events that would change everything. I saw someone I knew and we agreed that we should leave quickly. I went to collect some personal belongings and when I returned he had gone. I found that somehow I had picked up two pairs of gloves and was annoyed at myself for the duplication but decided they might be useful and put them in my pockets.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Back to front

I'm at the back of a large building, outside the main structure moving via ledges and fire-escapes. It's dark and I'm trying to find a way down. I can travel a short way but keep coming up against obstacles. I see a man ahead of me who moves quickly down a certain route and I try to follow but find it too steep and insecure to continue. I feel a sense of vertigo when I try to see where he went and I have to wait a while to get back the nerve to move and try to find a different way. Eventually I find a way to get inside the building and I'm greeted by two people who seem familiar but they speak to me in Chinese. I don't understand what they're saying but it seems encouraging. I go out of the front of the building which appears, from this view, to be some kind of large railway station. The road outside slopes down.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Intimacy and intimidation

I wake up on what appears to be a summer day. I am surprised to find that I am with someone who I regard as thoughtful, serious and rather critical. We are lying in the open, on a hillside and dressed lightly. Our legs are entangled but I am facing away. I feel apprehensive at finding myself in such a casually intimate situation with someone I feel intimidated by. I wonder if I should move but I am physically comfortable and still lazy from sleep. I glance back and find he has an amused expression on his face.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Papers in the attic

We were exploring a house. In the lead was an older woman and several of us were following. She led the way upstairs and then up a further, smaller flight to what appeared to be an attic storage area. Everything was very neatly organised in rows of open boxes. In the boxes were piles of papers,books and journals, To get on further we had to clamber over the boxes. The woman in the lead did this easily but those of us following tended to slip awkwardly on the stacks of papers, picking our way slowly and carefully. I was concentrating on each step and couldn't see where she was leading us but I thought I might have caught a glimpse of further stairs.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014


I'm in the passenger cabin of a plane operating a lever to control the speed. Someone is sitting to the left and slightly behind me telling me how to use it. I try pulling the lever to slow the speed as he says but feel no change. Then I pull harder and find it does seem to slow us down. I ask him if its ok to keep doing this, worried that I might do something dangerous. He replies with a vague "Hm?" which worries me more. Then I see through the window another plane so close I can see the paintwork and the rivets in the fuselage. I can hear the sound of it's engines, a steady roar. It's far too close and I brace myself, knowing we're going to crash, but the crash doesn't come.

Friday, 20 June 2014

Honest male companion

Travelling with a male companion. He comments that he will have lots of sexual opportunity where we are going, looking rather pleased with himself. I don't say anything but realise I must have shown disapproval or disgust as he looks offended and upset. He says that he was only being honest. I suggest that perhaps it would be better if he went on alone. He doesn't say anything but seems to be waiting for me to decide.

Monday, 9 June 2014


It was evening and I had plans to catch a flight the next day. I felt unprepared and, looking around, realised I'd got my main baggage but had left my hand-baggage in my flat. I told the woman I was with and she arranged for us to go and get it. When I arrived I found several of his* shirts scattered around and was annoyed that I'd have to fold them and find room to pack them as well.

*I just thought of them as 'his', without thinking of any specific identity.

Saturday, 22 February 2014


A nurse is following me. She has given me some kind of transfusion but I've become impatient and walked away from it. She seems unhappy with me, as if I'm not taking it seriously enough. I know that I might weaken without it but I don't think that really matters very much. She finds a way to attach a small device to my arm so that it can continue to work while I walk around.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014


There's a dream I came here to look for that I can't find. I'm sure it happened within the timescale of this journal but it's not here. So either I'm mistaken about when I had it or, for some reason, I never actually wrote about it. Which is odd because it is very clear and also unusually pleasant. I'll write it now but I have no idea where it should appear chronologically.

I'm swimming in the sea with much more confidence than I would in reality. I feel in my element, able to move easily and gracefully. I spend some time twisting and turning slowly on the surface, floating for a while on my back before each rotation. I like the alternation of air and water on my skin, enjoying the contrast of warmth and coolness. I'm aware of the power of the sea but also the support and sense of buoyancy it gives. I want to delay the time when I have to return to dry land.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

The game

We're playing a game of some kind and I'm unsure of the implications if I make a certain move. I ask my opponent to explain the rules again and he does but in a quick, impatient way that I can't follow. I suspect that he knows how hard I find this kind of thing and I get angry. I can't see any future for us. Then something odd happens. I'm suddenly aware of a much deeper connection that we have that makes our difficulties in communicating seem unimportant. We don't speak about it but both acknowledge it. There's a feeling of great relief.

A while later we are on a wide balcony with a long uninterrupted view. The windows of the other rooms in the building suggest they are much smaller and more restricted than ours.