A drowned woman

There was a bathtub beside me. As I dipped my hand in and stirred the surface I saw an older woman, eyes closed, beneath the water.

A strange mix of disjointed communication and journeys

A woman transforms herself into a kitten-like white animal. I try to talk to her but in that form she reacts as an animal would, backing away when I move towards her. I'm relaxing beside a group talking at a table and at a certain point I comment that the conversation is interesting. It breaks the flow and I wish I hadn't commented. I'm boarding a train but my female companion is not with me. I'm unsure if I'm on the right train or where I'm going but it's filling up with people and I take a seat. I make a kind of nest with clothes and bags so I can hide away and rest. Then I'm getting a bus and I notice the route will take us past an exciting place and I'm looking forward to seeing it, although I don't know the ultimate destination. I've had a little to drink, just enough to feel warm and happy and I know that will make the experience more fun.

New Year's Dream

Embrace

"We can keep this disengaged and detached if you want, but you know I don't." he said, and I felt irresistibly drawn to turn and reach for him. As we embraced I felt his warmth and strength. Even so, I was still holding something back.

Broken glass vase

I had broken a large glass vase and considered not mentioning it. The vase was dusty and I doubted if it would be missed. Then I noticed pieces of glass scattered around and knew I had to mention it to avoid anyone injuring themselves .

Square or round

I seem to be attempting to summon up a power but in fact I am trying to hold it back and control it. It's like an energy or heat in my hands and the strength of it is alarming. Someone is asking me to use it to make the square pattern on a large wall hanging round. I decide to stop holding back the energy and try. It seems to work, although I sense that I have simply made clear that the shape is an illusion and it can appear square or round depending on your perception.

Cuts

Only fragments lately. One image that lingers is of small cuts on my fingers. They're very small but I can't see how they're ever going to heal as whenever I move my hand they open.

A net of blood

A fragmentary image. I feel a discomfort in my right ear and am surprised to see a network of strands of dried blood fall from it.

Homeless

A fragment in which a homeless man follows me and pleads with me to take him home and feed him. I respond that I can't, I just can't do that, I don't have room.

Fire

I was in a large building and saw from a window that there was a fire in the equally large building opposite. It spread rapidly until the whole length was engulfed. There was a sense of foreboding, as if this was the start of events that would change everything. I saw someone I knew and we agreed that we should leave quickly. I went to collect some personal belongings and when I returned he had gone. I found that somehow I had picked up two pairs of gloves and was annoyed at myself for the duplication but decided they might be useful and put them in my pockets.

Back to front

I'm at the back of a large building, outside the main structure moving via ledges and fire-escapes. It's dark and I'm trying to find a way down. I can travel a short way but keep coming up against obstacles. I see a man ahead of me who moves quickly down a certain route and I try to follow but find it too steep and insecure to continue. I feel a sense of vertigo when I try to see where he went and I have to wait a while to get back the nerve to move and try to find a different way. Eventually I find a way to get inside the building and I'm greeted by two people who seem familiar but they speak to me in Chinese. I don't understand what they're saying but it seems encouraging. I go out of the front of the building which appears, from this view, to be some kind of large railway station. The road outside slopes down.

Intimacy and intimidation

I wake up on what appears to be a summer day. I am surprised to find that I am with someone who I regard as thoughtful, serious and rather critical. We are lying in the open, on a hillside and dressed lightly. Our legs are entangled but I am facing away. I feel apprehensive at finding myself in such a casually intimate situation with someone I feel intimidated by. I wonder if I should move but I am physically comfortable and still lazy from sleep. I glance back and find he has an amused expression on his face.

Papers in the attic

We were exploring a house. In the lead was an older woman and several of us were following. She led the way upstairs and then up a further, smaller flight to what appeared to be an attic storage area. Everything was very neatly organised in rows of open boxes. In the boxes were piles of papers,books and journals, To get on further we had to clamber over the boxes. The woman in the lead did this easily but those of us following tended to slip awkwardly on the stacks of papers, picking our way slowly and carefully. I was concentrating on each step and couldn't see where she was leading us but I thought I might have caught a glimpse of further stairs.

Planes

I'm in the passenger cabin of a plane operating a lever to control the speed. Someone is sitting to the left and slightly behind me telling me how to use it. I try pulling the lever to slow the speed as he says but feel no change. Then I pull harder and find it does seem to slow us down. I ask him if its ok to keep doing this, worried that I might do something dangerous. He replies with a vague "Hm?" which worries me more. Then I see through the window another plane so close I can see the paintwork and the rivets in the fuselage. I can hear the sound of it's engines, a steady roar. It's far too close and I brace myself, knowing we're going to crash, but the crash doesn't come.

Honest male companion

Travelling with a male companion. He comments that he will have lots of sexual opportunity where we are going, looking rather pleased with himself. I don't say anything but realise I must have shown disapproval or disgust as he looks offended and upset. He says that he was only being honest. I suggest that perhaps it would be better if he went on alone. He doesn't say anything but seems to be waiting for me to decide.

Baggage

It was evening and I had plans to catch a flight the next day. I felt unprepared and, looking around, realised I'd got my main baggage but had left my hand-baggage in my flat. I told the woman I was with and she arranged for us to go and get it. When I arrived I found several of his* shirts scattered around and was annoyed that I'd have to fold them and find room to pack them as well.


*I just thought of them as 'his', without thinking of any specific identity.

Nurse

A nurse is following me. She has given me some kind of transfusion but I've become impatient and walked away from it. She seems unhappy with me, as if I'm not taking it seriously enough. I know that I might weaken without it but I don't think that really matters very much. She finds a way to attach a small device to my arm so that it can continue to work while I walk around.

Sea

There's a dream I came here to look for that I can't find. I'm sure it happened within the timescale of this journal but it's not here. So either I'm mistaken about when I had it or, for some reason, I never actually wrote about it. Which is odd because it is very clear and also unusually pleasant. I'll write it now but I have no idea where it should appear chronologically.

I'm swimming in the sea with much more confidence than I would in reality. I feel in my element, able to move easily and gracefully. I spend some time twisting and turning slowly on the surface, floating for a while on my back before each rotation. I like the alternation of air and water on my skin, enjoying the contrast of warmth and coolness. I'm aware of the power of the sea but also the support and sense of buoyancy it gives. I want to delay the time when I have to return to dry land.

The game

We're playing a game of some kind and I'm unsure of the implications if I make a certain move. I ask my opponent to explain the rules again and he does but in a quick, impatient way that I can't follow. I suspect that he knows how hard I find this kind of thing and I get angry. I can't see any future for us. Then something odd happens. I'm suddenly aware of a much deeper connection that we have that makes our difficulties in communicating seem unimportant. We don't speak about it but both acknowledge it. There's a feeling of great relief.

A while later we are on a wide balcony with a long uninterrupted view. The windows of the other rooms in the building suggest they are much smaller and more restricted than ours.

House 2

I'm beginning to realise I may have made a mistake in buying a house. One of the upper rooms has polystyrene ceiling tiles that have been painted over in a dark shade of blue. I know they'll have to be removed. It will be a messy unpleasant job. I try to convince myself that at least the structure is sound. Then I go into a room and see that  part of the side wall is missing. Through the gap I can see that the house next door is an empty shell.

House 1

I've bought a large house and am worried that I won't be able to keep it secure. It has so many windows and doors. Some girls are running from room to room playfully. They want me to join them but I don't feel playful. I pull a curtain back just a little and look out. There's a large open grassy area outside and some houses on the far side. The houses look poorly built and cramped close together. I'm not sure which is the front door to the house. I want to find it and check the locks.

Taxi!

I need to get to the airport so I hop on a plane that's taxiing that way down the road. I don't have a seat reserved but most people are milling about in the aisle so I sit down in order to be out of the way.

Departures

At an airport. A huge building. Lots of light. Very few signs.

Birth and death

I woke up from the dream with the sense of having to keep very still. Too much movement would have dire, possibly fatal, consequences. Giving birth, for example, would certainly be too much movement, but I wasn't sure quite how much would be safe and so I was keeping as still as possible.

Crash

I hear someone say I hope they're enjoying their flight up there, referring to a plane that's passing 35,000 feet overhead. I look up out of a window and see a plane much lower, making awkward sudden changes of direction. It appears to be out of control. It might be heading my way but there's nothing I can do. Then it screeches close by and crashes into a local landmark building. Pieces of stone fly in all directions.

In all my flying dreams there's never been a crash before.

Broken

Disappointed to find that someone I trusted had broken something in my home, there are fragments of glass on the floor and drops of water. Pulling back a curtain I find a large pane of glass in the window is shattered.

House on the coast

We are on the coast, at a ferry dock. Some boys are fooling around swinging from the ropes. One of the crew shouts at them to get down. The ferry departs. We leave too, travelling along the coast at speed in a vehicle like a cross between a car and a rocket. We arrive by crashing into the side wall of the house. The house is small but nicely decorated in pale colours and light wood. After a while I become angry with my travelling partner. I shout at him for making a mess, casting aside used cups, plates, clothes and other things. He says someone else will deal with it. I try to extricate my things from the mess, in particular I pull a white top out from a tangle of clothes.

Missing the bus

At a bus station I hear a driver say that he is going to be driving a new bus the next day.

The next day I am at the bus station again. The journey I am planning to take is long but buses seem to leave quite regularly to my destination so I don't see any urgency. I let two go. The next one is the new bus with the driver I saw the day before. I'm in line to get on board but I don't have my fare ready so I stand aside to let others board. The bus fills up and leaves.

Value 2

I was given a gift by someone I didn't much like. I turned the box over and noticed that the price tag had been left on it. It was much more expensive than I had expected.

Value

I'd stolen something of poor quality and low value and was showing it off in an ironic sort of way. A woman looked at it enviously. I was shocked to see that she seriously wanted it.

Anchor

The dream left me with just a single image: an anchor.

The policeman and the poet

A house on two levels. On the ground floor level - a policeman. On the upper level - a poet. They appear to be working together in some obscure way. They don't speak but communicate with each other by glances, raising an eyebrow, smiling. I'm looking at them from a short distance away, across the street. I find them both very attractive and admirable. The policeman is outward looking, assertive, strong, protective. The poet more reserved, reclusive, cerebral, creative.

This dream seems to me to be a significant one.

Grand hotel

I was in a car. B was driving. He was driving confidently on a busy road with lots of intersections. Even so he took a wrong turn. I could tell, but didn't say. We ended up in front of a grand hotel. I realised that I was wearing just a nightdress and my feet were bare. I wondered how I could go into the hotel so inadequately dressed. Then I decided that I should just walk in as if I was completely confident.

Japanese bus

Not a bus in Japan but a Japanese themed bus. Boarding behind a Japanese woman who hesitates for a moment and then takes the seat I thought was reserved for me. I don't challenge her and move further back.

Leading

A girl on crutches leading the way, not competitively but with enthusiasm, encouraging the others.

A house at night

Coming out of a house at night, against the advice of a woman who stays inside. The woman in the house looks to an older woman who says nothing but watches from a window. Met by a man who comes out of another house and agreeing to go and spend some time talking with him. He seems to be putting himself in a position of taking responsibility or care. After a while leaving his house. The woman appears distressed but the older woman again just watches. The man follows out of the house. It's still dark but birds are beginning to sing.

Second sun

An explosion in the sky, growing until it appeared to be a second sun. Those around not looking that way, not paying attention. Bracing for the impact that would, eventually come as a result.

Imaginary beetles

I woke up (in the dream) to see a couple of small beetles on the corner of the sheet. I got up, vaguely thinking about catching them in something and putting them out of the window. Then as I looked I noticed more of the things, groups of them all over the place and then some large black cockroaches amongst them. The scene in the room was getting that weird nightmarish quality to it where things start to spiral into the more and more bizarre. At this point I somehow stopped, there was a change of gear, a change of mood. It was clear to me that what I was looking at didn't make any sense and couldn't actually be true. As I thought this the creatures began to disappear until eventually they were all gone. I felt satisfied that I'd managed to see through the illusion and get rid of them.

Eyes

Turning away to put in false eyes. Then noticing that the fake eyes have round holes in the middle that I will be looking through.

Mousey friend leaves

A friend (in real life) was once described by a mutual acquaintance as 'the mousey one'. The description surprised me at first but once it was said I could see how there was some truth in it. In the dream this friend, rather quietly, said that she was leaving and went out of the door.

Not trapped

A number of people are caught underneath something heavy, possibly an overturned truck. Rescue workers are assessing what to do. I ask about one woman and they say she's not a priority as she is not actually trapped. I wonder why she stays there if she isn't.

Unsecure

This is a house I seem vaguely familiar with, as if I lived here long ago. The rooms are large and it is elegantly decorated in pale colours. Then I notice a hole in the floorboards over in the corner, moving closer I see that it goes right through to the room below. Going downstairs I find that part of the ground floor wall by the back door is down, leaving a gaping hole. Clearly it would be impossible to secure the house in the state it's in. I get the feeling that it's beyond repair.

The Queen

After the Queen's wedding a meal of, surprisingly, only one course. After this was served the Queen, who appeared to be impatient, rose and left. I followed her at a discreet distance down the broad stairs and through the wide corridors of a half-familiar house and saw her march out of the front door.

Dancing

Dancing with an androgynous female.

Station platforms

At a station with lots of platforms and no signs, with only a small suitcase. Thinking of trying to find the right platform by instinct, by going the way that seems familiar, but then thinking that might mean ending up on the wrong train again.

A Michelangelo-like fragmentary image

The Creation of Adam. Focus in on the hands. But no, it's not The Creation. One hand is clearly male, one clearly female. Both are in a similar position to that of God's hand in the original: each actively directed towards the other.

Bag baby

I used to have baby dreams as a recurring theme, but haven't had one for a while. In the latest I am on a journey with some other people, a man and a woman. The baby is in a bag that I am carrying. For some reason it has to be packed in a bag for the journey and can't be carried openly. It worries me that the baby has no air or room to move. I am torn between wanting to open the bag and check on it and not wanting to. I have a bad feeling about what I might find. I'm irritated that the woman, whose baby it is, does not seem interested in it at all. When we get to our destination I open the bag cautiously. At first the baby is very still and it seems to confirm my fears but when I look again it's waving its arms and smiling. Its a relief, but I'm still concerned that the woman is not interested in feeding it or looking after it.

Upper and lower class

The university had built a theatre. There was one entrance within the main university building that led directly into the plush circle level and a street entrance from a run-down part of town into the stalls.

A note in the hall

Having written the last entry another dream came back to me that I'd previously forgotten. One of the rented flat series. This time I am finally able to return to my flat after some time when I have not been able to get there. I go in the street door which is not locked, but not into my flat as I don't have the key with me. Pinned inside the front door is a note with my name on it. I read the note.

Inside

This is just a marker to indicate another plane dream. Can't recall any details. Only an impression that I was inside the plane. This is a change. I usually see from the plane's POV.

Women in red

A group of women wearing red clothes, sitting together in attitudes that suggest relaxed confidence and slight amusement. The feeling that they will talk amongst themselves more frankly than they will to anyone else.