Together

We are reunited and together in a way, although we could never be together in a conventional way. Every time our eyes meet we both want to laugh. We share a wonderful secret. That everything is imperfect and perfect at the same time, including all the pain and grief, it's all wrapped in there, but it's such a tiny, so very infinitesimally small a part, it gives a kind of bitter-sweet essence to the whole. We can't touch, whether because of his peculiarities or mine or the combination of them, but we move towards each other in a kind of dance, our hands almost touch. We smile, never far from laughing out loud at the wonder and absurdity of it all. I don't know exactly what issues he has and I'm curious but it doesn't matter. There is this understanding between us that it doesn't need to be explained. There is mess, clutter, bags and piles of random things around us, whole things, broken things. We look at them, enjoy their variety, pick some up, put some back, move on. Nothing can spoil the marvellous fact of existing and experiencing. We laugh the way babies laugh until the tears come, until we're breathless, at the sheer wonder of a colour or a cat or a hand moving. I don't know if we can stay together, maybe we can't, but it's so much fun I want to keep enjoying it. That feeling when our eyes meet of all being well, forever and just as things are, well. Without excluding our sickness and weakness and incapacity, in our own bodies, deep in ourselves, and those things are inevitable and somehow mysteriously right. They allow things that would otherwise not be possible. Our being together is partial and limited but still overwhelmingly wonderful. We exchange brief glances, as if playing the game of peek-a-boo, connect and disconnect, go and come back, playing at the edge of sadness just for a moment so that we can re-discover the connection and laugh again. He and I, both flawed and damaged and both still totally as we should be. Together in a way no observer could possibly understand.

Summer of love

Bob Marley's 'One Love' was playing, the sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. A group of people had gathered in the street, on random pieces of furniture and close by where I was sitting the Beatles were lounging, strumming and singing, apparently writing a song. George suggested a few lines of lyrics, something about consciousness. There was an overwhelming sense of well-being, relaxed, happy times. 

Too much

The thing I most clearly recall is saying, "I can't do this anymore, it's too much." I was in a house I've dreamed of several times, a big, old, ramshackle place full of dust and discarded items. Even if it was cleared out I know the fabric of the building is rotten beyond repair.

Two cars

There are two cars, one with two women in it and another with a man in it. There has been some disagreement and I have to choose who's side I am on. I move towards the car with the women in, at which point the man starts up his car. I turn around and call out for him to wait but he drives away. As I turn back I see the women also start up and drive away.  Neither would accept anything other than complete allegiance with their side. I realise that I am going to have to walk a very long way and resent that, I feel that both sides have been unreasonable.

The King

I am travelling with someone I think of as the King. A man who seems to embody the role perfectly. This is wonderful but a little disturbing. I don't feel confident to be his companion. However when I catch a glimpse of a reflection I see that I appear to be as much a Queen as he is King. I have just decided to accept my role when I lose sight of him in a crowded place. 

Turning back

I am following someone (a mix of several people I find superficially attractive but worryingly arrogant) who is walking too fast for me to keep up with. He does not look back. I come to a junction and do not know which direction he took. I realise that I no longer have some things I had with me when I started out, so I decide to turn back, hoping to find them. 

Address not found

An ex-colleague gets off the bus at the same stop as me and I wonder if she is also living here or moving here. I walk through a large open area, like a shopping centre, looking for a flat that I want to view. I have a note of the address but there are no signs showing which way to go to the residential area. 

Submarine training

I was on a submarine as part of a group training session. It occurred to me to wonder what would happen if the sub lost power, would we be in darkness? This worrying thought was quickly followed by a realisation that there must be some kind of emergency lighting.

Impending disaster

 Another plane dream. This time we are coming in to land at high speed. There also seems to be a storm force gale blowing. A large piece of metal, maybe torn from a building, hurtles towards us and seems to be on a collision course. Then it hurtles off in another direction. By this time the plane is flying at tree level and a crash seems unavoidable. But it does not happen. Later I am in a large shopping mall. The lights are going out and the shops are closing. It does not appear to be a normal closing down but rushed and people are in a hurry to get away. There is a sense of some impending disaster. 

House party

I was at some kind of large house party, sitting at a table. I stood up to go to the front of the room just as something occurred which I did not really pay attention to. Once at the front of the room it occurred to me that I could pretend to be reacting to the event, even though I had hardly noticed it. I looked around to see how others were responding. I got the impression people were making decisions about what their reactions should be rather than reacting naturally.

White

A white building, bright, clear water pool reflecting light. I've been here before. But never with so much clarity in the detail. A Greek house, on two levels, with terraces, a beach, an olive grove, People walking,  sitting in groups, talking. All very relaxed and calm. Some are naked and some in loose white clothing that looks like it is made from a very light cotton. A sense of it being an educational place but not in any formal way. So much white, the sky is almost white. I want to hear what the people are saying but can't. I am not quite there, although I can see it clearly. 

Poisoned mind

I was having a conversation with my father who appeared to be deeply suspicious of me, giving me nasty sidelong looks and refusing to believe what I was saying. I denied a few accusations and finally realised that he must have had his mind poisoned against me by a paranoid woman that he knew. They both had the same attitude of not listening to or believing what I said. I gave up trying to defend myself as it was clearly hopeless. 

Missed event

With A on our way to an event. We are travelling by bus and when it makes a stop he goes into a shop and I go with him. He spends a long time fiddling around with things indecisively and I get concerned, go out to check on the bus, and it is gone. I am upset and ask him how we are going to get to the event location now? He mumbles and turns away and evades the question. Instead he shows me how he is going to use all kinds of random items to combine into something. I am angry with him, very angry and his response is rather pathetic. He will not make eye contact.

I give up on ever getting to the event and go to rest in what appears to be my old boss's office. My boss is still there but barely acknowledges me. Again, the lack of eye contact.

Words

I was very pleased with myself having found a way to convince J (someone I find to be extroverted in a particularly infuriating way) that being introverted was not a problem, just a difference, it was a different and equally useful set of skills. Encouraged by this success I went on to lay claim to the description of being 'sensitive' as a positive trait, even though the term is often used in a disparaging way, asking if he really thought that being 'insensitive' was a better way to be than being empathic. 

As I was doing this I realised that the words we use carry more or less subtle signals of approval or disapproval as well as meaning, and that we can change our own as well as other people's perceptions by choosing to use different language. Also that what is a strength in one circumstance can be a weakness in different circumstances. For example, being empathic and sensitive might be a useful skill for most doctors in interactions with patients but a disadvantage in a field hospital in a war zone, where being somewhat tough or even callous might get important things done more efficiently. 

An abrupt halt

I crossed a road at a run and came to an abrupt halt on the far side where a bank sloped upwards just beyond the kerb. I found that I had stopped close by someone who looked like Z. (Someone who strikes me as speaking with authenticity.) He placed a hand just below my neck, the phrase 'touched my heart' came to mind, then touched my face and nodded to me. I felt a warmth and a kind of restrained power. It was comforting and reassuring. 

Another not nightmare

I look in the mirror and my face, especially around the right eye, distorts as if some weird filter is being applied. It's grotesque but the feeling I have is one of interest. I discover that if I move my hands in front of my face in a certain way, without actually touching it, I can guide it back to a normal appearance. (Something about distorted perception?)

P and the extremists

P (someone who I have mixed feelings about - an intellectual with unresolved emotional issues) was in the house. To begin with we were alone together, and it seemed that we were communicating well and building trust. There was a softening in his usually serious attitude.

Later there were other shadowy figures around who were not clearly visible, but seemed to be potentially violent extremists. There was a growing sense of danger of some kind of violent outburst or event. I was unsure what connection P and these figures had. 

At one point I was approaching the house with a female friend, cautiously, warning her of the situation. The sense of there being potential danger had grown.

A garment

I have a diaphanous white garment (that specific word is how I think of it.) It is very light but capable of covering me completely. I am holding it up, working out how to put it on. It's going to take some time and has to be done carefully. (I wonder if it is immunity?)

Not nightmares

I haven't been sure how to record the dreams I've had lately. They have consisted of disjointed images and sequences that made little or no sense in narrative terms. Most of these images and sequences were the sort of things that would occur in nightmares but my reaction to them was not fear but a sort of ridicule and disbelief. 

I was being pursued but then turned and looked back and dared the pursuer to catch up with me, which they did not. I left a place where I had been an actor playing a part and turned back to discuss the part with a character who also appeared to be playing that same part, getting the sense that I was being drawn into a web of uncertainty about who and what was real, and yet I was able to walk away from it with no difficulty. A cat was being subjected to some kind of experiment, its head in a vice and very little left of its body, I was initially disturbed but then there was the realisation that no animal could possibly survive in such circumstances and it was clearly alive so what I was being presented with was simply impossible. There was a notice pinned to the wall beside my front door which I tore off to reveal a hole gouged into the wall, my feeling was that this was an attempt to mark my location but still I went inside and quite casually took a shower, and only after emerging from it I realised that the front door wouldn't shut properly but my reaction was mild irritation rather than fear. At one point in one of the dreams a figure appeared and reminded me that all confusion and fear was self-generated and could be made to disappear simply by remembering that fact.

   

Making progress

I am trying to make my way forward but my companion keeps either grabbing and pulling my arm or leaning against me so that we stumble along like a couple of drunks. I am finding it increasingly irritating to be pushed and pulled this way.

Cold

I am with B at some kind of educational event. I complain to him that I am not getting as much as I expected out of it. Later we are together outside the building, it is very cold and we are both bundled up in multiple clothing layers. We are standing close together to share warmth. I ask if he is ok and he comments that he is still able to feel aroused.    

Slow motion

I'm having a memory replayed for me in slow motion. It is a memory of an earlier one of my series of plane dreams. The one in which another plane is passing far too close to the one I am in. As I watch I can see how it happened. Two other planes are on a collision course, as they make contact one is sent hurtling towards the one I am in. It passes very close by and my plane has to make sudden manoeuvres to avoid it just as we are coming in to land. Once on the ground we overshoot the runway and stop, remarkably, with the nose just at the borderline of the runway and a road. I reflect that all this must have happened so fast in the original experience that I was unable to register the details. 

Unrest

A house dream. The house is large and has many open areas and some smaller rooms. I have some kind of ownership in the place but its not quite clear what form that takes and which areas I have a right to inhabit. There are many other people in the house, mostly sleeping. In the bedroom area that feels most familiar, and that I believe is most likely to be mine, someone is already asleep in the bed. I don't want to disturb them, so I go to sleep on the stairs. This is uncomfortable and I don't sleep well. I get up and walk around and look into some of the smaller rooms and see unmade beds, heaps of discarded clothing and other disarray. I feel that the arrangements are unsatisfactory, I feel like I can't find rest in this sleeping house.

A disappointing experience

There are a group of us who have been taking part in some kind of experiment or experience, it's unclear to me if it was voluntary or not. I am inclined to tell the person in charge of it that the experience was not useful to me, that it was disappointing. The others are fearful about giving negative feedback, as if this might be a dangerous thing to do, and I hesitate, but then confront him. I say that there were times when I thought it had potential and might be becoming interesting but it ultimately failed to live up to my hopes. He did not say anything and appeared to reluctantly accept what I was saying. His posture was slightly stooped and he turned away. I had a feeling of relief that I had found the courage to make my opinion clear and had not been intimidated by him.

The dream I didn't record - end of the road

I try to record every dream I have that I have a clear memory of. I do this as soon as I can after waking. Occasionally I have a dream that I don't record because it is so unpleasant I really want to forget it. A few weeks ago I had one of those dreams. It included a similar sensation to the one at the end of the 'Crash' dream but much more intense. A sense of struggling to hold on to consciousness in a situation of being overwhelmed. As often happens with this kind of dream I was not successful in trying to forget it.

I was in a car travelling at speed along a  road. I was a passenger in the car. The road was gently winding and there was no other traffic. As we rounded a curve the road ended abruptly and the car continued, plunging into water. I had time to take a deep breath before it hit the water and sank. There followed a sensation of struggling to remain conscious long enough to escape.

While it clearly wasn't a premonition of the exact circumstances we find ourselves in with the pandemic that recently overwhelmed us the sensations and emotions involved are strikingly similar.

Crash

Another plane dream. This time the plane was going down. It was a slow and unpleasant sensation. I looked up at the panel above my head and saw that there was a button, where the call button would usually be, that would cause it to crash immediately. I pressed it. After this I had a feeling of struggling to remain conscious.

Gorilla

There was a huge gorilla in the house. I couldn't work out how it could have got in. I avoided it but then someone said that it had taken the baby. I looked and saw a very tiny smear of blood and knew it must be true.

Play

I was waiting in the wings to go on stage. I told the lead actor I was with that I couldn't do it. He said I'd be fine. I explained that I didn't mean I was nervous, I meant that I hadn't learned the part, hadn't even read it. We did go on, although I had no idea what I was going to do. After we'd taken our places there was a pause and I realised that the lead actor was listening to the prompter.

Communication frustration

I'm travelling, mostly on foot, with a doctor who is trying to explain the condition and treatment that I've had. He gave a cursory explanation but I asked for more detail because, as I said, it was happening to me so it was important to me. He struggled to put it into terms I could understand and I found it hard to work out which parts of what he was saying were the most important. We were both getting frustrated, him trying to explain and me trying to understand. At one point we encountered another doctor and the two had a conversation, the one I was with was clearly relieved to be able to communicate without difficulty.

Under the skin

The doctor doesn't offer any comment and I have an uneasy feeling, but after he's gone I look at my body and find a well developed, healthy looking baby moving just beneath the skin. It doesn't seem unusual to me that it's so clearly visible and the main feeling is one of relief that what I had almost given up on is actually going to happen.

The devil in the library

There was a pursuit going on through a large library, although in the beginning it was confused and unclear who or what was being pursued. We couldn't get a clear look at it as it hid in shadows and scurried from one bolthole to another. As we moved up through the building some of us attempted to name or describe it, speculating on how it might disguise itself in order to ambush or evade us. It was finally cornered on the top floor and we moved in and surrounded it. I was unsure at this point what we would do next, there didn't seem to be any inclination to harm it, only to examine it and keep it under control. At this point I became aware that it was a devil type thing, something with a strong negative energy to it. As it was recognised and observed by us all it appeared to lose strength and power and to be more afraid than threatening. Some of us joined hands to keep it enclosed but it soon became clear that it was not strong enough to pose a danger to us.

A white world

White buildings with tall elegant pillars and large pools of clear water. I swim across one of the pools which is a perfect temperature. In every direction all is light, airy and open, every surface is unblemished. I encounter some older women and remark that the last time I was here everything was much more basic. They smile and I realise that must have been a very long time ago.

Spike's house

I was visiting the home of Spike Milligan. It was a marvellous place, with many spacious rooms full of books and comfortable, if rather worn, furniture. He was there in one of the rooms, but he was old and tired and did not move from the chair he was tucked up in, with a blanket over his legs. It made me sad to see him that way. I went upstairs and found there was a more modern looking room with a gift-shop. It was selling not books but paper and pens and small decorative items. There were very tiny notebooks and sets of tiny writing paper and envelopes, the kind I remember reading about him writing in for his children as messages from the fairies. 

New job

I was at a gathering with people who were new to me. I had just accepted a job in some kind of religious role. It involved reading and writing, helping people know how to behave and I remember reflecting at one point that this would also help them to 'pay their taxes'. There was a woman who kept trying to explain to me that the man in charge, a vicar or priest figure, was not to be trusted. At one point I was talking with him about the job and I had just about come to the point of admitting to him that I did not belong to any church community at all when our conversation was interrupted.

Untidy bedroom

I was in a room, a bedroom, which was very untidy and I felt irritated by that and wanted to clean it up, but it wasn't mine. When I thought no one was looking I cleaned up an area but I was afraid I might throw away something useful, so I stopped. Someone was sitting up in the bed and I had an impression of someone behind him I couldn't see clearly. All around the bed were stacks of dusty items. The room was decorated in a kind of boho or hippy style with bright coloured rugs and throws. I was in a wheelchair, although that didn't seem to be of any importance, except that parts of it got detached and I was afraid they might get lost among all the untidy piles of stuff. At one point I embraced the person sitting in the bed and when I did that my irritation about the untidiness eased, it didn't seem to matter so much. At another point I left the bedroom and found that the rest of the house was decorated in the same style but was much cleaner and tidier. Finally I left the house and got lost trying to navigate the roads in my chair. I wanted to get back to the house.

Landing

I was in a plane, coming in to land. I was expecting a hard landing, anticipating the impact but there was none. I realised we were on the ground while I was still braced. We then transferred to a bus for the onward journey.

A new flat

I was in the process of moving in to a new flat, and had to clear out some tools and pieces of machinery that had been left there. After I'd done that I slept for a while and when I woke up I went to the other end of the flat and found two women were there on camp beds. They also had a red, plush sofa which was not at all to my taste. I hoped they would clear it out so I could bring my things in. One of them opened a door onto a kind of walk in closet that was a huge unexpected interior space. I knew I'd have to think carefully about how to make use of it. 

On the couch

I'm in a house that I seem to know my way around. There are other people, it appears to be a family group, sitting on chairs and couches, but I can see only one of them - an older man - clearly. I am standing in an area off to one side, tidying things up in an unhurried way. I have a sense of not quite belonging or being unsure of my status in the group. Eventually there is nothing left to do and I go to sit down. There is only one place left, on a couch next to the man I can see clearly, so I sit there. The couch is small and when I sit my leg is resting against his. I'm unsure how this will be regarded but the only alternative would be to get up again, so I stay where I am. He turns towards me and in a kind of slow motion draws me in to an embrace. As he does this the other people in the room become even less clear to me.   

Grenade games

I'm out in a field wearing military uniform and a hard hat. I'm handed a long gun of some kind. I realise from watching others that I have to use it to swing at a grenade that's thrown my way to try to get it away from myself. I know that at some point when it's hit it will explode. During the dream it does not.

In the station

I'm at a major train terminal, in a large hallway full of people. One of them walks from the platform to a doorway and then appears back on the platform, he does this over and over again. All the people have half-blank, half-horrified expressions as they go through a short sequence of actions repeatedly, never getting out of the station. I get the feeling that these are people whose options have narrowed down to such an extent that they have hardly any left at all, and that they are becoming aware of it. I have an awful sense that such a narrowing of options is inescapable but then I realise that there is nothing stopping the people leaving the station, if they chose they could just walk out.

The game 2

We are travelling through a long tunnel or tube like place which reminds me of a spaceship or possibly a high-tech underground structure of some kind. There are a series of rooms or caverns and the walls are lined with screens. The people are strangely dressed and seem to be engaged mainly in trying to impress each other with their style. My male companion is in a rather irritable mood. At one point we eat a meal and he tells me how annoying it is when the servers try to clear up before he's finished, which a male server then does, trying, jokingly, to take a plate from the table. At certain points I use the screens to play a kind of game. This seems to have something to do with my companion, but I'm not sure what the rules are and I have to intuitively work out what each step towards success will be. Eventually we arrive at the last room and I comment that it's getting uncomfortably hot and maybe it's time to go. I get the feeling it will be very cold outside. Someone responds that we don't have to go and also offers a thin blanket which I am unimpressed by. I use one of the screens and it brings up a simple map of the final stage that I can follow. At this point I notice that I'm not wearing a top but I am unconcerned by that and work through the stages with a kind of intuitive confidence even though I am still not aware of the final goal.     

A white garment

I'm listening to a woman who is speaking quietly and at the same time I'm touching a white garment which I think belongs to her. It's extremely soft and I'm thinking about how comfortable it would be to wear. I notice that there are other people waiting to speak to me and I nod to the woman who is speaking to let her know it is time to reach a conclusion and she acknowledges this.

Concrete protest

A series of images of Japanese people, speaking Japanese (which I did not understand) loudly as if protesting something they felt strongly about, then immersing themselves, face down, in wet concrete.

An accident

There'd been an accident, a car had crashed into a house. I think I'd been a passenger in the car. Maybe I'd been thrown clear somehow. The car was embedded in a wall that had collapsed onto it and there was no sign of the driver. The house was large with many comfortably furnished rooms and with a calm atmosphere. It seemed to be some kind of educational establishment, although quite informal. People gathered in small groups and talked quietly. The crash didn't seem to have attracted any attention and I got the feeling there was nothing to be done about it.

Later I found I was wearing a garment that was a silvery colour and somehow knew that it was made out of the same material as the stars.

Letting people in

I was in an apartment, much like the place where I live now, with an older woman. I was getting annoyed with her because she kept letting people in. Anyone who wanted to come in she let in  At one point she opened the balcony doors and there were people climbing over the rail and coming in. They were talking and laughing and I was finding it hard to concentrate. Later when I was trying to sleep she allowed two people dressed in elaborate costumes to occupy one side of the bed.

A hotel and a new cozy house

I'm not sure if these were two separate dreams or two parts of one. Arriving at a hotel with a male friend we went to his room first which was a standard pleasant hotel room. I expected mine to be the same but when I went to find it I discovered it was not just a room but a suite with enormous wooden double doors and luxurious furnishings including a huge bed. None of the staff spoke to me but they acknowledged me and accepted my right to be there.

The house was of an unusual design, round and sunken slightly into the ground with windows facing inward overlooking a central courtyard that was designed to receive the maximum amount of natural light. I was in one of the furthest rooms from the entrance with my male friend and we were watching the progress of a group of visitors from a window with some amusement. They were commenting that you could use the room that was set out as a lounge as an extra bedroom if you wanted to. They also noted that the kitchen was well stocked with preserved fruits and other foods in glass jars. As the visiting group came closer I was measuring a cupboard and joking with my friend about how much space we would need to hide in. He commented on the fact that one of the visiting group was his wife.

The old house again

In the old house again, with an old man, packing things up. For once it was easy, most things were already packed neatly away. I was putting several pillows into a large bag. There was a sense of completion.

Bleak and hopeless fragments

I've had a few dreams I've avoided describing. Some I can still remember parts of, one I made deliberate efforts to not remember. In one dream two young princes were killed, the mood was bleak. In another one person was attacking another by stabbing him with tiny pieces of wood pulled off the door-frame of the small room they were in. The wounds were superficial but painful. The one who was being attacked had a look of shock and horror. All I have left of the one I made an effort to forget is a mood of flat hopelessness.

Struggling to wake up

I was at a conference in a hotel. I'd over-slept and was struggling to wake up. I kept slipping back into a dream. I knew I was late for the day's events but I couldn't get myself up and ready. After I eventually got out of bed I couldn't find my toiletries bag and then in the bathroom I wasn't able to close the door. I kept trying to prepare for the day but wasn't able to, it was all too much effort, I couldn't get things to work and I just wanted to go back to sleep.

The old house

I went back to the old house. I hope for the last time. It was a mess. I spent some time picking things up, looking at them, dropping them again. Outside I remarked to someone that I wished it could all just be got rid of, there was nothing there of any use to me any more.